Joe, my fiancé, and I were determined to keep things low-key in the run-up to our wedding last year. In our opinion, the goal of a wedding was to gather our loved ones in one location and show them a good time, not to create the ideal fairy tale. Additionally, we bind ourselves together for life. However, some stress did find its way in, even though Joe would frequently mutter, “stress-free, stress-free,” during any conversation about wedding planning. Even for a small reception, the sheer volume of work required can be daunting.
However, an amazing thing began to happen shortly after we decided on our wedding date: offers from our friends and family began to come in before Joe and I could even consider asking for assistance. We got offers that were both general (“Let me know if you need anything!”) and specific (“I’d love to help plan the bachelorette”). The assistance was greatly appreciated and gave us a sense of love. However, despite my gratitude, I also felt oddly uneasy about delegating work. Even though they were offering, I occasionally worried that I was asking too much of a friend. Instead of “imposing” on our relationships, I pondered whether we should hire a wedding planner.
In the end, we accepted many people’s offers, occasionally unable to resist asking, “Are you sure?” As a result, our wedding demonstrated the level of community support we have in a way that no other event in my life has done. It also made me realize how difficult it is for many people to offer, request, and accept assistance.
According to research, a reluctance to help and be helped is caused by presumptions about how other people will feel, which may not always be true. According to a 2008 study, those in need of assistance often underestimate their chances of receiving assistance by up to 50%, estimating that others will reject their request far more frequently than they actually do. Eighty-eight percent of help requests were granted in another observational study of gratitude and helping in eight societies across five continents, indicating that the likelihood of receiving a “yes” is very high across cultural boundaries.
Additionally, according to one study, people tend to underestimate how happy helping will make them and overestimate how inconvenient the request will be for the helper. The social psychologist who worked on that study, Xuan Zhao of Stanford University, sees herself in her work. She recalled an occasion when she was visiting a friend who lives about ten minutes away by car, and the friend offered to drive her home. She said, “I was like, ‘No, no, no, don’t worry, I’ll get an Uber.'” It’s practically a reflexive response. No, I don’t wish to disturb you. No, that seems like too much work. Even though she is aware that a quick drive to drop off a friend wouldn’t bother her in the slightest if their roles were reversed, this is how she responded.
Research supports the axiom that helping others makes you feel good. However, many people find it more difficult to believe that when they are the ones getting the assistance. Joe and I discovered that our loved ones performed their jobs cheerfully and were eager—at times almost pushy—with their offers. They did appear to enjoy helping with the wedding, unless they are exceptionally skilled liars.
When people refrain from helping others, it’s not always because they don’t want to. They might worry that their overture won’t be accepted. According to one study, they might believe that people will ask for assistance if they need it, ignoring all the psychological obstacles to doing so. In a different study, participants thought that by offering support, the recipients would feel less content and more uncomfortable than they actually did. According to that study, people who want to help may worry too much about saying and doing the right thing and worry that people will criticize them for using the wrong words or for providing support that won’t truly solve the issue. However, the recipients focused more on warmth—how sincere and kind the support was—than on how beautifully the offer was worded or how well it would suit their needs. Everyone is out there attempting to read minds, but they’re not doing it very well.
Asking for assistance can be particularly challenging in American culture because of its emphasis on independence. Americans were less likely than Chinese students to expect people to help them if they asked, according to a 2011 study comparing students at large universities in the two countries. The authors speculated that this was due in part to the individualistic culture of the United States versus the more collectivist culture of China. However, going it alone because you feel like you should be a cowboy or because you don’t want to be a burden can, in a sense, rob your loved ones of their happiness. In an email to me, Vanessa Bohns, a professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University who worked on the study, said, “We all like to feel like good, kind, effective people.” “We don’t get to experience any of those things when we are watching an event from the sidelines.”
Some of the barriers to offering or receiving assistance are removed by a significant occasion, like a wedding. “There is no question that people need help in the big moments of life—weddings, funerals, the birth of a baby,” Bohns stated. According to her, people are more likely to offer help in these circumstances and “to do so more assertively” because they are less likely to be misunderstood. Similarly, because no one will be shocked that they need assistance, people may feel more at ease than usual asking for it during these times.
Zhao told me that she has always wanted to research the “magic of occasions”—the way that significant events seem to grant people permission to do things they might not normally do, like asking for medium- to large-sized favors from loved ones. A week prior to our wedding, my parents traveled to D.C., where I reside, to assist with errands. The flower arrangements were created by Joe’s family using a sizable haul of flowers from Trader Joe’s (no relation). My friends organized my bachelorette party, set up our morning-after brunch, ushered, manned the sound system, and decorated the wedding venue for us. My hairstylist even chimed in: she informed me that we could use the salon’s plants for free when I mentioned, while getting some highlights, that I was looking to rent plants to decorate our venue. We saved some money by doing so. Further assistance was provided by the boyfriends of my sisters, who carried the plants to and from the event.
Instead, we could have hired someone to handle each of those duties. The wedding industry is keen to offer you a solution for any need, whether it be imagined or real. It’s not limited to the wedding industry, though. There are many opportunities in modern life to either rely on relationships or buy your way out of a difficult situation. You can take an Uber instead of asking a friend to drive you to the airport. When you can have your own bag of sugar delivered to you, why borrow a cup from a neighbor?
Asking for assistance is obviously justified if you are unable to pay for a delivery service or a taxi. According to some research, those with stronger support networks have less material hardship than those with fewer connections, highlighting the connection between social capital and traditional financial capital. The lack of funds increases the costs of not relying on one another and makes it more necessary to do so. However, spending money does not take the place of the value of giving and receiving assistance. In addition to being less expensive and wasteful than purchasing a new item, borrowing can strengthen your bond with the borrower.
On our wedding day, Joe and I stood at the altar when our officiant—a friend, of course—asked us to stop, take a deep breath, and gaze out at the guests. I was reminded of why we had originally desired a wedding: to celebrate with our community, as I paused to admire our loved ones, many of whom had helped make the day possible. Our wedding felt less like a product we bought and more like something unique that we had made with our friends, family, and neighbors by pushing through our discomfort to accept the assistance that was provided and ask for more.
Our wedding made it more evident than ever that my husband and I have a wealth of relationships. I am aware that not everyone has access to this level of support, so we are lucky to have had it. However, I also believe that many people are likely to be more receptive to help than they realize, and that simply asking for it could strengthen their bonds with others. Instead of holding off on paying forward the feeling until the next milestone, that seems like a lesson worth applying to daily life.
