Almost everyone agrees that rudeness is on the rise, particularly online. However, do you also notice this tendency in yourself? You may have noticed that you’re less polite than you used to be, and that online environments have contributed to this, even if you’re not a sociopathic troll who thrives on rudeness and conflict. You may have noticed the passing of minor etiquette, like using your own name when you sign off and addressing people by name in your messages. It’s possible that you find yourself acting harsher and more sarcastic on social media than you would in person. Furthermore, why use “please” and “thank you” when speaking with what may or may not be an AI bot?
Even with regard to nonhuman entities, this coarsening is not innocuous. Yes, it is most likely negatively affecting your health. You may become less joyful, more depressed, and more irate about life when you behave in a less courteous manner. You can—and should—fix this in yourself, even though you might not be able to change the larger social trends.
There are four ways to define politeness. The first two are conduct, which includes things like holding a door open for someone to pass, and etiquette, which regulates fundamental speech and manners. The other two are negative politeness, which is abstaining from rudeness, and positive politeness, which is being polite to others. These types of politeness are defined by social scientists as aspects of personality rather than merely a collection of behaviors. In particular, politeness and compassion combine to form agreeableness, one of the Big Five Personality Traits. According to a reputable study conducted in the 1990s, the heritability of agreeableness is approximately 41% genetic. This suggests that you inherit some politeness from your parents, partially due to your genes but primarily because of your upbringing. This also suggests that you can develop positive habits and positive influences to become more courteous.
Saying “please” and “thank you” and listening to others without interrupting (positive politeness) are examples of courtesy that are rather universal. Tipping a cab driver is a common courtesy in New York but not in Tokyo, and shaking hands is considered polite in London but not in Bangkok. Additionally, there is some demographic variation in politeness, and gender norms may also be involved. Experiments, for instance, reveal that American women behave less politely toward men and more politely toward women.
Being rudely treated, whether in person or online, is something that none of us want. Studies have shown that rudeness lowers your well-being, which is so obvious that citation is hardly needed. Experiments have demonstrated that even witnessing rudeness toward others can reduce your happiness: even if they agree with the snarky writer or commenters, readers are unhappy when media content contains sarcasm from the author and rude comment sections. Being rude only makes you feel worse.
The impact that being polite to others has on your own mood may be more unexpected. In 2021, researchers found that being courteous to others reduces anger and increases happiness. This may seem counterintuitive at first because we may occasionally experience strong urges to be snippy. Doesn’t that imply that yelling at someone should improve our mood? On the other hand, being rude is more like picking at your poison ivy rash—it gets worse when you give in to the temptation. You’ve probably felt better when you’ve been your better angel, but I doubt you’ve ever felt great when you’ve known deep down that you’ve been a jerk. It has been demonstrated that being prosocial improves your mood, even if you don’t feel like it or if the person you are being polite to doesn’t deserve it.
You gain from being courteous even when you are being courteous to nonhumans because the effect is so strong. In a study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, researchers gave participants a task to complete with a helpful robot named Tako. Those who felt a greater need to express gratitude to Tako for the assistance later on were more likely to act prosocially in a follow-up task. This research implies that even treating an AI bot or other nonhuman interface with civility matters; yelling at Siri or acting rudely toward ChatGPT will make you act worse around other people and have a negative impact on your wellbeing.
Simply put, show civility for your own sake. Additionally, be mindful that your happiness may still suffer if interactions mediated by technology are making you less courteous. Since it is not feasible to stop using the internet or go back to a world without artificial intelligence, the answer to this courtesy dilemma is in the way you intentionally choose to act. I can recommend the following three guidelines for your behavior.
1. Develop the habit of being polite, even when no other people are around.
My late father was very polite, and I’m sure he would begin every request to AI with “please” and end it with “thank you” if he were still here. I would have mocked that years ago, saying things like, “Dad, the bot doesn’t care!” but I’m sure he wouldn’t have listened because I now realize that his politeness was an act of self-respect. Additionally, they would have shielded him from some of the negativity that permeates society. I therefore make an effort to mimic him today, both online and in person, with whoever or whatever I’m interacting with.
2. Give up being snarky, whether you’re the one using it or observing others do it.
As mentioned, sarcasm in the media can negatively impact your wellbeing as a viewer. However, it appears that making fun of others is a necessary component of contemporary communication, particularly for those who want to appear intelligent. I try not to take part in this because I am aware of the toll it takes on my soul, even though it may feel good or funny at the time. I no longer read publication comment sections, and I completely stop reading when an author makes a rude remark.
3. Address rudeness—not impolitely, but politely.
It would look bad and be completely out of character for your happiness correspondent to get involved in heated public arguments or social media feuds. I therefore always abstain. However, I make an effort to go beyond self-control: if I must respond to an offensive person in person or a hurtful online comment, I try to view it as a chance to better myself by acting civil and respectfully. Practice makes perfect, and I’ve never regretted not taking advantage of the chance to strike back with a nasty zinger. I only feel bad when I don’t take advantage of the chance to act morally.
One final reflection on Heinlein’s assertion that our culture is dying: given all the rudeness, is it accurate to say that our culture is dying? If so, is there anything we can do to change it? Since online nastiness appears to be the prevailing style, things do appear bleak on many days. However, my personal defense strategy also seeks to serve as a countercultural force: I consider politeness to be today’s punk rock since it so completely goes against the grain of our culture. Similar to punk rock, you get a rush when you use civility to empower yourself. The ability to be who I want to be in the face of cultural oppression is the ultimate form of freedom.
