Ramas—The Notebook’s Noah lights up and asks, “Who’s this girl?” when he spies Allie across the amusement park; Jack’s eyes freeze when he spots Rose on the Titanic’s deck. Generally speaking, popular love stories are not about the same things as real life. Surely we are aware of this?
I suppose it’s not right. The Kinsey Institute and dating company Match jointly conducted this year’s “Singles in America” survey, which was made public today, revealed something unexpected: Sixty percent of the approximately 5,000 unmarried American adults surveyed said they believe in love at first sight, which is a nearly thirty percent increase from 2014. Nearly half of the participants, who ranged in age from 18 to 98 and came from all over the nation, reported having firsthand experience with the phenomenon. This was unexpected, not only because the idea’s viability has been questioned for years, but also because it’s such a romantic, dreamy, and hopeful notion. And the prevalent narrative about dating these days (and what I’ve discovered, to some extent, in my own reporting) is that a lot of people are depressed, burned out, and fed up with the apps. Some of the researchers were even taken aback by this increase in belief: The findings “sort of blew me away,” according to psychologist Amanda Gesselman of the Kinsey Institute.
However, Gesselman claimed that after taking a step back and considering the discovery, it began to make some sense. Dating apps were still in their infancy in 2014. It was common for people to meet through friends or family; they would spend some time getting to know one another before forming a romantic relationship. Regardless of age, gender, race, income, or location, Gesselman has consistently discovered in recent years that swipe-based dating apps are the primary means by which partners connect. People who date that way are accustomed to making snap decisions and determining whether they click with a stranger after just one date. The same thing was said to me by Paul Eastwick, a psychologist at UC Davis who specializes in romantic attraction and was not involved with the survey: “There are a lot of ‘We met—no.’ stories on online dating. No, we met. No, we met. No, we met. Oh, that was a good one when we met!”
To put it another way, the slow burn has decreased in frequency. It’s possible that two other experiences have become more prevalent instead: the obviously awful first date, where a lack of connection is immediately apparent, and the type of date about which someone might one day remark, “We knew right away.”
What you mean by love—and, okay, by sight—determines whether the latter situation is actually love at first sight. Some people do have strong feelings about a romantic prospect right away, if not at first glance, then right from the start of a conversation, according to Eastwick’s research. “And those feelings can go beyond physical attraction when things click,” he said. (I would experience love at first sight every day while strolling through the streets of New York City if it was simply the perception that someone was attractive.) Eastwick asked undergraduate students in a 2018 study to think back on their previous relationships and explain how they had felt at various times during their time with their ex-partners. A fifth or so of respondents claimed to have been enamored with someone they met right away, to have connected with them instantly, to have discovered a common interest, and to have been unable to stop talking. To be fair, that’s the same percentage of people who said, “I thought this person was trash when I first met them”—Eastwick’s words, not mine! Even though it’s not common, he came to the conclusion that “love at first sight” “is real.” It occurs.
Naturally, these were past relationships; it is clear that falling in love fast does not guarantee a long-term relationship. “Compassionate love,” which tends to develop after a year or two and does not involve the same elevated cortisol and serotonin levels, is neurologically different from what psychologists call “passionate love,” which is the buzzy, dizzying rush of early infatuation; the feeling of craving, even addiction. Furthermore, it’s possible that the participants who claimed to have fallen in love at first sight were just projecting that story backwards. It’s challenging to record people’s emotions when they first meet, according to Eastwick. In other studies, he has attempted to ask participants to notify him as soon as they encounter someone promising, and they have done so. However, he claimed that “you primarily get: ‘I’m really excited about this person!'” They ask, “Who now?” when you follow up a week later.
Around this time in our interview, the “Singles in America” statistic began to seem a little alarming to me; even though it was possible, love at first sight didn’t seem like a reliable indicator. A nation full of people going on first dates, I pictured: thirsty people crawling on their hands and knees, yearning for a sensation that only 5% of Eastwick’s participants had and that hadn’t even held them together. I don’t want to live in a world where there are this many first dates. Eastwick informed me, “I’m shouting into space, saying, ‘Hey, everyone, there was a way we used to date.'” “You simply observed what transpired and kind of hung out with people.” He claimed that the traditional method of dating was “democratizing” in comparison to our time of hasty decisions.
Gesselman, however, is still hopeful. At least people’s romantic idealism hasn’t been ruined by online dating, even though it may have set them up to expect too much too soon. I’m guessing that after ten trillion swipes, the “Singles in America” contestants are still going strong. According to Gesselman, “the vast majority of singles in our survey stated that they think love can last forever.” “They think there is someone out there who is right for them.”
These concepts fall under a broad category known to psychologists as “destiny beliefs,” which is a belief in inescapable ties (as opposed to “growth beliefs,” which are the notion that a relationship needs upkeep and work). Gesselman is aware that this kind of mystical thinking could create irrational expectations. Additionally, she believes it may encourage people to commit to a relationship. Eastwick discovered that those who said they experienced the most romantic interest at the beginning of a relationship also said they experienced romantic interest for the longest period of time. Additionally, they were less likely to have started the split. After all, you might put in extra effort to make it work if you think you’ve found your soul mate.
It could be difficult to overcome love at first sight. Furthermore, maintaining such a high bar could result in prolonged or permanent singledom. However, perhaps fewer people are concerned about that now. Perhaps they lead busy lives and only desire a relationship that is truly exceptional. Different options for how to live the “good life” are gradually becoming available; in the past, partnership was a more rigid social norm than it is now. Single people today may be aware that it’s not very likely that they will fall in love right away. Maybe more of them can afford to wait for it anyhow.
