Hannah Domoslay-Paul had great-grandmothers on both sides of her family through her adolescence. As a girl, Domoslay-Paul would sit and watch one of them, who was always crocheting, create the most delicate lace doilies with her deft hands. The other was a retired schoolteacher who, at family gatherings, would either recite stories or simply list all of Michigan’s counties, which is what the students learned when she was in charge of the classroom. To Domoslay-Paul, even their most routine activities were magical.
Domoslay-Paul, who currently works as a graphic designer in Pensacola, Florida, has six children: two with her current spouse and four with her late first husband. Those children were in Michigan with their great-grandmother, a 92-year-old in good health, on the morning I spoke with Domoslay-Paul. They were picking strawberries to make jam at home. Every summer, they come see her; they water the flowers, play cards, and even carry hay, just like Domoslay-Paul did when she was their age.
Although it is less uncommon now than it was when she was a child, Domoslay-Paul is thankful that her children are growing up in a four-generation family like she did. It was rare to live long enough to become a great-grandparent for centuries. Kin researchers hardly ever looked into the role because it was so specialized. However, a lot more people are getting older these days, and even though people are generally having children later than they were in earlier generations, great-grandparenthood is becoming remarkably unremarkable.
According to Ashton Verdery, a sociologist at Pennsylvania State University and a member of a four-generation family himself, the number of great-grandparents in the US rose by 33 percent between 1996 and 2012, from 15 million to 20 million. And while the mean numbers of siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins have decreased, the average number of great-grandparents for American 15-year-olds has been steadily increasing since at least 1950, according to Diego Alburez-Gutierrez, a kinship researcher at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research. He anticipates that the total number of great-grandparents will keep growing, not only in the United States but also in other nations.
This is a lovely development in some respects: imagine that one day, your children’s children will learn about history from you, the person who lived it, rather than from textbooks. However, frailty is an inevitable part of aging, and children are frequently left to provide care; in the case of great-grandparents, their children are also elderly. Sociologists have long been concerned about the “sandwich generation,” or those who are taking care of both their elderly parents and their young children at the same time. This can put a great deal of stress on one’s mental health (and finances). As they assist in caring for their own parents, their grown children, and their grandchildren, they are now witnessing an increasing number of people in a kind of triple squeeze. Known as the “club-sandwich generation,” this group is extremely overburdened.
Zuzana Talašová, a doctoral student at Masaryk University in the Czech Republic, enjoys conducting small experiments. Everyone seems to have an answer when she asks them what parenthood is like. She discovers the same thing when she inquires about what it means to be a grandparent. However, when she inquires about the activities of great-grandparents, she receives no coherent answer. Many simply say to her, “I don’t know.”
Great-grandparents find themselves in an odd situation when there is no rigid cultural script. Many of them have no role models because they were not raised with any such living elders. It’s possible that they never anticipated reaching this stage. According to Talašová, many of them wind up fulfilling a significant purpose that is more “emotional, symbolic, or narrative” than it is utilitarian.
According to Syracuse University sociologist Merril Silverstein, great-grandparents are “the peak of the family pyramid”—a sort of mascot for the entire family and a common source of immense pride. (Since women typically outlive men, that person is frequently a great-grandmother, or matriarch.) Many of them attend special events and share their family and national history. Verdery’s children are blue-eyed and blond-haired, but they learn about their great-grandmother’s early years in Japan and her journey to the US. According to Verdery, they adore feeling a connection to their great-grandmother and the entire line of ancestors she makes come to life for them.
When Domoslay-Paul’s grandfather was living, he would take her children on tours of his hometown while narrating stories. He passed away last winter. “My grandfather lived in that house,” she told me he would say. “And that’s the house where I was born.” “That’s where my brother is buried,” and “when we were kids, we got drunk over there and had to get sat by that outhouse because we were in big trouble.” He passed away at the age of one year.
These kinds of stories can provide some context. Great-grandparents serve as a reminder that things change, that our lives are incredibly short, but that we are also a part of something greater than ourselves and just one link in a long line of generations.
In a way, great-grandparents are assuming roles that grandparents may have had in the past. Grandparents are typically viewed as family storytellers and authority figures in the United States. As I have reported, their role has changed over time. Perhaps because more of them are staying active long enough to be able to assist, but also because the demands of parenthood and the cost of child care are increasing, many of them are deeply involved in the daily whirl of raising their grandchildren.
“Perhaps an 85-year-old great-grandparent is as healthy as what used to be a 70-year-old grandparent,” Silverstein said to me. In other words, they may not be sufficiently fit to be asked to pick up the great-grandchildren from soccer practice, but they should be able to enjoy birthdays, holidays, and visits just for the sake of spending time together. People who may have been harsh as parents can be softened by such a role, according to Domoslay-Paul. “You can just give the love,” she told me, rather than worrying about “who needs to go to the doctor, who needs new pants.”
Therefore, in a four-generation family, grandparents might be in the most challenging position. Researchers interviewed working grandmothers in four-generational families for a 2020 qualitative study. The participants talked about how busy they were providing care, that they didn’t have time for tests or medical appointments, despite the fact that they could feel their bodies changing and aging. They were needed everywhere at once, so occasionally their various roles as mothers, grandmothers, children, and employees would directly conflict. One woman in the study questioned, “Who should I be more available for; who do I need to help first?” “I react to other people’s agendas rather than my own.”
Jerri McElroy, a fellow with the Georgia-based nonprofit Caring Across Generations, told me something along these lines. McElroy provides full-time care for her father, who suffers from epilepsy and dementia. Following a seizure in 2018, her father lost his ability to speak. She has five other children and five more grandchildren, and she lives with him, her daughter, and her grandson. She’s discovered that when she’s watching her grandkids and her dad, it can be beneficial to involve the kids in his care, almost like a game, to get them excited to visit him or to let them carry a towel. Although she has perfected the art of juggling, it has never been simple. She told me, “It’s all a blur when I think about certain seasons of life.” I have no idea how I survived.
An example of the broader trend of longer lifespans is represented by great-grandparents: According to Silverstein, “aging is a big success story” everywhere. Despite their fatigue, the 2020 study’s grandmothers expressed gratitude for their parents’ survival. According to the author, they saw their situation as a “privilege” as well as a duty.
However, in many societies, including the United States, family members are left to care for each other primarily alone. These societies lack a unified, easily accessible system for caring for the growing number of elderly people, as well as guaranteed parental leave and child care subsidies. Policies aren’t keeping up with the drastic changes in population.
Four-generation families will only become more prevalent if lifespans continue to increase as predicted. The future might be outdated. However, it may also be more interrelated. Researchers told me that despite the talk of the United States and other nations becoming more individualistic, generations of American relatives are actually getting closer and more giving to each other on average.
According to Silverstein, we might anticipate that great-grandparents will continue to become more involved in family life because today’s grandparents are so emotionally and logistically involved.
It’s a bittersweet change. Impending loss is always present when dealing with an elderly loved one. However, exposing great-grandchildren to the realities of aging and death can be beneficial. They have the opportunity to witness firsthand the giving and taking of time.
Domoslay-Paul’s grandfather, who was born in 1930, didn’t talk much about feelings. However, she recalls that her grandfather spoke to her two eldest sons, who were six and seven years old at the time, following the death of her first husband. He informed them that his own parents had passed away eight decades prior, when he was not much older than they were. He remarked, “I know this is difficult right now, but I made it through.” He had, and they could see it for themselves.
