You’ve likely heard a lot of unfavorable things about men lately. We are told that adult men are toxic or suffering from a loneliness epidemic, while young men are being radicalized and drawn into the manosphere. It’s possible that we’ve grown accustomed to crisis narratives about men, fatherhood, and masculinity that we’re overlooking the advancements made by men. According to Becky Kennedy, a well-known parenting influencer, many fathers are doing well in fatherhood in particular, and that should be celebrated.
“What is something you do that your own dad never did?” I asked a group of fathers the other day. Earlier this week, Kennedy, who goes by “Dr. Becky,” informed me. “Being able to say, ‘Maybe not even 50% of the nights, but maybe 30 I put my kids to sleep even if they’re screaming for their mom every time,’ brought tears to many of their eyes. My father never put me to sleep. John, I could cry.”
Kennedy has discovered a sizable and enthusiastic audience for her opinions. She was named “the Millennial Parenting Whisperer” by Time magazine four years ago, and her influence is still growing. Her “app-based membership” platform, “Good Inside,” is the brand name for her parenting education program, podcast, and No. 1 New York Times best-selling book. She has over 3 million Instagram followers. She earns a living by giving speeches; sometimes, a virtual Dr. Becky appearance can cost up to $200,000. Thousands of parents have come to view her as a healer, despite her critics who claim she is more of a cunning businesswoman than a kindhearted person. Kennedy, who has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, presents herself more as a confidante than an expert and relies more on anecdotal evidence than on rigorous research.
Kennedy was one of the speakers at the recent “Future of Fatherhood Summit” in Midtown Manhattan, where they covered subjects like paid leave, caregiving, and “inclusive masculinity.” The majority of the voices were male, including those of Representative Jimmy Gomez of the Congressional Dads Caucus, Jonathan Haidt, and Chasten Buttigieg. There was a lot of pontificating, but Kennedy’s positive presentation stood out. In addition to rejecting the notion that men “need to be made into moms” or that effective parenting necessitates a 50/50 division of household chores, Kennedy presents a centrist viewpoint.
As I listened to her there and in a subsequent interview, I was reminded of one of my favorite cartoons from the New Yorker. The image shows a middle-aged man with a slumped shoulder holding a vacuum cleaner while he imagines a wild celebration with confetti, cheering people, and a banner that says NED HELPED OUT. Without a doubt, Kennedy’s optimistic outlook serves as a kind of encouragement for men who believe they are incapable of doing anything well.
Kennedy is frequently linked to the “gentle parenting” movement, but her guiding principles are essentially “sturdy parenting,” which she describes as an even-keeled method that is, in some respects, a welcome change from “helicopter parenting.” Her defense of the modern dad is essentially a continuation of her child-care philosophy—You’re doing great, sweetie—and she enjoys discussing what she refers to as “deeply feeling kids,” or “DFKs” for short.
Kennedy, like a lot of people in the wellness and self-improvement field, sometimes resorts to clichés: “Fathers are looking for a dad journey,” not just “dad duty,” she says. Additionally, her suggested resetting of expectations carries the risk of impeding advancement. When does giving out participation trophies for dads amount to affirmation?
Kennedy is certain that fathers are eager to improve their home lives. Kennedy informed me, “We’ve had this drumbeat of ‘parenting is a skill,’ which I think means anyone can learn it.” However, she has discovered that fathers nowadays are actually “less ashamed” than mothers when it comes to facing the harsh reality that they might not know everything from the moment their child is born.
According to her, this is partially because, while an innate “maternal instinct” is generally expected, society doesn’t focus on the term “paternal instinct.” She has discovered that contemporary fathers are genuinely curious instead of arrogant or stubborn. She stated, “They are aware that they lack the necessary abilities.” “They say, ‘Just teach me, please.'”
Kennedy thinks that, to varying degrees, today’s fathers want to “repair” with their children and be “cycle-breakers”—to make up for all the nights they went to bed without their own father tucking them in. They want to teach their children how to manage their emotions instead of producing boys who will grow up to be manosphere members.
Kennedy’s optimism is welcome during a period of overwhelming negativity. Kennedy’s practical approach to empowering men to feel capable of raising children seems like a good place to start, regardless of whether rewarding dads for seemingly simple tasks is the right prescription for contemporary parenting partnerships.
